A Xander Story
by hidinginashadow
Summary: With nods to Halloween Jack, this is what happened to Xander after 'The End Is Here'...
1. A Xander Story 1

-ONE-  
  
"Oh, come on... you can't lock up a man for sleeping in his car... Jesus Christ!"  
"You'd better quite down boy... you're already in enough trouble as it is."  
Xander Harris, a twenty something with nothing other then something to do. All he wanted was a weekend trip away from everyone, to clear his mind, to rest a little, a weekend away from the torturing threat of demons. But like the Rolling Stones said, you don't always get what you want.  
"Come on sheriff, I was too sleepy to drive... I needed a rest," Xander explained.  
"Well, you could have parked somewhere other than beside a fire hydrant... what'f a building catched afire? Huh? And I'm not the sheriff, I'm just the deputy," the uniformed man countered. The deputy leaned back in his chair and smiled. Xander noticed how far the smile stretched on this guy's face and was a little startled by it. "Besides, boy, this lock up is the least of your troubles. You just wait until the sheriff gets here."  
Xander lifted the bottom of his denim button up shirt and wiped it across his face. He then wrapped his fingers around the bars of his cell.  
"Ok, look deputy..."  
"Pyle."  
"Look Deputy Pyle, I don't know how things are ran here in this backwoods..."  
"AND WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?!"  
This very loud, very high-pitched voice startled the entire station (which only had two desks, only one occupied by Deputy Pyle, and three cells, only one occupied by Mister Harris). Then from entrance of the station walked in a scrawny man with a rubber-like face. He was wearing the same brown uniform as the Deputy only he had a very large badge pinned to his shoulder. Xander recognized this man.  
"DON KNOTTS?!!!!" he exclaimed.  
"Boy, who the fuck is Don Knotts?" the skinny man asked. "Are you on drugs, son?"  
Xander drops his hands to his side and began shuffling back and forth in his cell.  
"Ohhhhh kayyyyy, where the hell am I? Where the hell have I seen this before?" Xander asked himself while pacing across the floor. He then turns back to the scrawny man. "Are you sure you are not Don Knotts?"  
The scrawny man begins snickering, "Why no son, my name's Sheriff Barny Fife."  
"Did you say... Barny... Fife?" Xander asked, almost shocked.  
"That's right." Sheriff Fife reassured.  
"Sheriff... Barney... Fife..."  
"That's two for two."  
"Heh... heh heh heh... ahhh hahahaha!"  
"What's so god damn funny, son?"  
"Well, well, this is obviously some messed up hallucination because, I'm obliviously in Mayberry because your Barny Fife and that over there is Gomer Pyle, whom I didn't recognize cause he is in a police uniform and not in a marine uniform which is just plain crazy on both accounts because one, Gomer was never a policeman and two, Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C. just plain sucked. And another reason this is totally messed up is because nobody in there right mind would make Barny Fife the acting sheriff, especially Sheriff Taylor because he knows better then anyone about Fife's total lack of policing skills and incompetence."  
Deputy Pyle's chin dropped to the floor and (in a very Gomer Pylish way) said, "Weeeellll, fuuucck me!"  
"So, I guess golley is out of your vocal repertoire?" Xander commented.  
"Ohh, uh, here in Fiferville, we can say what ever we god damn well please, now that Sherif Tay..."  
Sheriff Fife's eyes grew cold and his fists clinched. "Shut the hell up, Pyle," Fife yelled as he turned to Xander. "Son, what do you know of Sheriff Taylor?"  
"Well, I know he was the best damn sheriff Mayberry ever had."  
  
"Listen... this town isn't called Mayberry anymore... its called Fiferville...ya got that?"  
"Fiferville? You've got to be kidding."  
Sheriff Fife drew his revolver and quickly stepped near Xander's cell, placing the muzzle of the revolver upon his forehead.  
"You're not kidding," Xander quickly tossed out.  
"Listen, you little son of a bitch... Sheriff Taylor was nothing... he was nothing... that cold hearted bastard raped and molested that kid of his every night for laughs... him and Aunt Bee used to chain up that kid in the basement and fuck each other forcing the kid to watch. Taylor used to run this town with an iron fist boy. He taxed everyone, fucked all the women if they wanted it or not, murdered anyone who crossed him the wrong way, or just plainly gave him a poor suck job, poor ol' Floyd, rest his soul. Taylor had to go... he had to... that's why... that's why... I shot the sheriff..."  
Xander looked at Fife and just could not resist...  
"But I did not shoot the deputy..."  
Fife pulled the hammer back on the revolver.  
"You mocking me, son."  
"NO... NO, NO, NO SIR! I would never insult a man who is pointing a gun at my head... its just sometimes, when the opportunity presents itself to make a joke, my humoristic instinct kicks in and... usually gets me in trouble... like so."  
Fife then used his rubber face by releasing a sly smile, a smirk almost, and then holstered his revolver. He stepped back from the cell and turned to Pyle.  
"You know what, Pyle, I think we have a smart ass on our hands," Fife said in a very Fife way.  
"Smart ass? No, no, no, more like a dumb ass, yeah, a dumb ass... no smart ass over here, heh, heh, heh," Xander assured.  
"Smart or dumb... at least its ass. And we haven't had a piece of it in a while, ain't that right, Gomer?" Fife eluded as he stood behind Deputy Pyle and placed his on Pyle's shoulder.  
"Shazam, shazam, shazam!" Pyle exclaimed.  
"Oh, how I wish you would turn into Captain Marvel right now and save my ass before Barney Fife's wang gets stuck in it," Xander cried. 


	2. A Xander Story 2

-TWO-  
  
Xander laid in the cell bunk thinking, formulating a plan, some form action in escaping the mother of all cornholing from Barny Fife and the rest of the Mayberry gang. He twisted and turned, rubbed the sides of his head, dreaded the return of the sheriff and his deputy. Then he began panicking... Xander's way.  
"How the hell... why the hell... sweet God protect my virgin ass from these redneck whack jobs. God where is a Slayer when you need her. She'd teach these sick bastards a thing or two about ass raping... wait... that didn't sound right at all. If only I had a hand phaser..."  
"It's time boy!" Fife interrupted while bursting through the door of the Fiferville Police Station followed by Deputy Pyle who in turn is being followed by a greasy man in mechanic clothes with the name Zed etched on the name tag. Xander sat up in his bed, scooted around, and stood up. He then ran to the jail entrance and wrapped his fingers around the bars.  
"Well let's see what we got here," Zed cracked as he pulled out a chair and then sat down in it backwards. He gave a long stare at Xander and said, "Hey, we got ourselves a nice one here. You know what I think, Sheriff Fife?"  
"What's that Zed?"  
"I think we ought ta nip this situation in the bud."  
"Nip it in the bud, Zed?"  
(In Zed's best Barny Fife voice) "Just nip it in the bud, Barney, nip it in the bud."  
"Heh, and how should we do that, Zed?"  
Zed tilted his head to one side, smirked, and said, "Bring out the gimp."  
Fife nodded his head toward Pyle and Pyle exited the room. Xander clinched his teeth and the grip on the cell bars tightened. He knew what was going to come next, but he was sure didn't want it.  
"A gimp? We don't need a gimp. Gimps just get in the way... they are so leathery and slippery... can't we just leave the gimp out of this?" Xander said trying to stall what was coming.  
"Well, that would mean more for us, but my mommy always told me to share," Zed responded, then smiled wide. "And it just wouldn't be right unless we fed the dog."  
Xander returned with a smile, though just a sarcastic one. "Great... great... that's just what I needed to hear."  
Xander returned to bed and sat on its edge. He laid his face in his hands. "How much more can of this can I take? I'm stuck some where between Andy Griffith and Pulp Fiction, and I don't know why, and I don't know how to get out of here, and its all just like a bad dream... I mean I'm sitting here staring at the faces of Zed and Barney Fife who are about to expand the circumference of my anus exponentially and it seems all surreal because you guys are fictional characters! Buuuuttt... you may not be fictional characters because I have recently witnessed Godzilla and other Toho monsters battle the forces of evil by my side, not to mention cenobites and Tara coming back as the Crow. I... I... I... I just can't figure out the difference between fantasy and reality, fact and fiction, a dream or not a dream... If fictional characters do exist, why can't I hook up with Seven of Nine or Ultimate Mary Jane Watson for crying out loud... why demons, monsters, or the perfect small town personified as evil. Why damn it, why?"  
The jail cell door swings up and Zed is standing there holding a pump shotgun.  
"I don't know boy, but its time."  
Xander uncovered his eyes and noticed that Pyle has returned holding a chain that leads to the collar of a leather bound gimp complete with the leather mask with a zipper skirt mouth. Pyle is wearing nothing but a black thong and a smile topped off with his police hat. Xander's face turns to disgust.  
"GOOD LORD!"  
  
"Oh, son, Jesus is no where to be find around these parts," Zed said as he pumped the shotgun. "Now, get your ripe juicy ass out here and drop your drawers."  
Xander turned to Zed and threw up his right hand then extended his index finger, "Listen you sick freak... I'd rather die before you tap my ass, so you might as well get to shootin' me with that shotgun, buster."  
Zed places the cold blue steel muzzle to Xander's head, "Dead or alive, ass is ass."  
"Ok, the first thing I would like to say is: Ewwww. And the second thing: If Ving Rhames can come away from an ass raping looking like a bad ass, so can I," Xander said, pushing away the shotgun from his head.  
"Good choice, I don't feel like fucking another cold ass tonight," Zed agreed.  
"Again... ewwwww!"  
"Get the fuck up, boy."  
"You know, this boy has a name. It's Xander. If you are going to deflower my sphincter, I think you should at least know my name," he said standing up and making his way out of the cell.  
"With a name like that, I'd rather just call ya boy," Zed insulted as he followed.  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
Xander walked to the center of the room, Zed following with the shotgun. They met up with Barney, Gomer, and the Gimp, all which were licking their lips profusely as Xander approached them.  
"I'm glad someone appreciates my body," Xander commented.  
"Well, when you usually get drunks like Otis in here all the time, its good ta get some clean young meat in here once and a while," Fife replied. "Now off with ya pants."  
"Speaking of Otis, can I please get a drink before, ya know, get to the butt loving?" Xander politely asked. "I mean... I really don't want to be sober when that happens."  
"You're lucky we are keeping you alive, so stop complaining. Besides we love to hear the screaming," Fife explained.  
"I thought you killed Andy for these reasons. I thought you hated the way he ran things. I thought you hated the way he treated Opie. But no, here you are doing the same."  
"I did hate the way Andy was running things. I did hate the way he treated Opie. That's because it wasn't me enjoying the spoils of a king. He was taking all the fun for himself. Like Zed said earlier, we were always taught to share our fun, like I am now... Now get naked, boy."  
"Wouldn't you rather share Aunt Bee or something?"  
"And who do you think is the Gimp?"  
"Shit."  
"Now are you going to get naked now or does Zed get to use that new Remington over there?"  
Xander began to sweat, his eyes begin to twitch, and his body began to go numb. He placed his hands on his belt buckle and began undressing his lower body.  
"Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts," he chanted as his jeans hit the floor. 


	3. A Xander Story 3

-THREE-  
  
Fife gently pushed Xander near the sheriff's desk and bent him over. He felt Fife's cold scrawny fingers at his thighs slipping under the elastic in his boxers. He then felt Fife lay his body on top his. Xander closed his eyes, gnashed his teeth, and then all he could do is wait.  
"Zed, get the horse radish, I'll need here in a minute," Fife muttered while he slowly peeled away Xander's boxers.  
"Okay, why do you need horse radish... I second thought, I don't wanna know," Xander put in.  
Fife almost had the boxers clean of the boy when he added in, "Zed, where the fuck is the horse radish? Zed?!"  
Fife pulled Xander's shorts up and quickly spun around. His eyes bulged from his face and his jaw drooped. "What the holy God fucking damned is going on?"  
On the floor laid a thong only Gomer Pyle laying in a pool of blood and a headless gimp laid beside him. Standing next to the dead bodies is Zed with a knife at his throat held by man dressed in a costume consisting of a black mask, kinda like Batman's without the ears; a black shirt and pants; army style boots; and a long black trench coat. The weird costumed character takes one look at Fife and then slits Zed's throat. Zed falls lifeless to the floor.  
"Hey, what the hell is going? Fife, what the hell is going on?" Xander asked anxiously while squirming around, trying to pull his dignity and pants back up around his waist.  
"What... what... what... who the hell are you?" Fife managed to get out.  
"Who the hell is who? Who the hell is who?" Xander kept chanting as he finally buckling his belt and turned to see the horror that has presented itself in the police station at Fiferville. "Hoe... lee... shit."  
"Answer me you prick! Who the hell are you?" Fife commanded with his temper flaring hire than the flames of hell.  
The masked man kept his cool and remained silent still gripping the knife. The only thing he let Fife was a sly smile.  
"God damn you, speak!" Fife yelled as he went for his holster containing his revolver.  
The masked man quickly tossed the knife which penetrated Fife's gun hand. Fife wrapped his free hand around the spiked one and cried out in pain. Xander jumped back and stared in shock. The masked man leaped forward over the dead bodies towards Fife. He ripped the knife from Fife's hand and jammed it in his forehead. Fife fell to his knees and collapsed to the floor.  
"Oh my God! Oh... My... God! Dude... I... I... don't know how or what to say, but... I mean... you killed those guys... and killing humans are usually a... uh... you know... a bad thing... I can't express my gratitude enough when I say," Xander babbled as he dropped to his knees and continued, "thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!"  
"Hmmm, you're welcome. And since you're down there on your knees..." the masked man said.  
Xander Harris had engouh. His gratitudal smile turned into a smug frown. He stood up face to face with the masked man and looked him straight in the eye.  
"Oh, sweet fucking Christ. You know what, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I'm tired of this shit. I have Sheriff Skeletor trying to fuck me in the ass and Deputy Thong wanting to watch, the one crazy fuck I thought was trying to save me wants me to suck his cock. Well guess what Bat Bitch, I ain't having it. Either cut my head off or stab me in the heart because I am not sucking your dick. There. How's about that."  
"I could force you to suck my dick."  
"And I could forcefully bite it off."  
"I could rip out your teeth first."  
"Touché. Okay, how about this, I could gum your penis until it's bruised."  
"Shut up kid, I'm just playing with you."  
"Oh really. Well, excuse me if I mistook your joke as the intentional use of my mouth as a fuck hole."  
The masked man chuckles and puts his hand on Xander's shoulder. Xander just kind of froze.  
"Listen kid, why don't you take your car and get the hell out of here."  
Xander just looked at him for a second. "You know, that's a good idea. Do you have any idea where they would keep my keys?"  
  
The masked man points up at the adjacent wall where a key hanger is mounted on the wall. "Your car is parked behind the building," the man revealed.  
Xander walked up to the key hanger, found his keys, smiled, and turned to the masked man. "Hey, um, thanks for the save. I really do appreciate it."  
"No, problem," the man replied.  
At that point, Xander titled his head to one side because he had a little moment of remembrance. Some startled him about the man's reply. "Hey, your voice sounds familiar. I know superheroes don't usually reveal their secret identities, but I'm going to ask anyway... who the hell are you?"  
"Well, my identity isn't really a secret; I just wear the mask because it looks pretty neat, but, well, just take a look." The man lifted his hands to his mask and peeled back it back revealing a read comb over a bald head. The face was middle aged and freckled. The smile the man had been comforting. "Do I recognize like somebody you know?"  
Xander smiled and nodded his head. He began walking towards the man extending his hand. "I knew it was you! I just knew it. I recognized that voice anywhere! Ron How... I mean, Opie, your Opie!"  
"Who the fuck is Opie?" the man asked. "The name's Ritchie Cunningham."  
Ritchie extended his arm in reply to Xander, but Xander suddenly stopped, his smile turned upside down and he began backing the fuck up.  
"Excuse me if I have to rush out, but I have just got to get the fuck out of here... this, this is just getting to complicated." With those words, Xander turned and ran out of Fiferville police station and went straight for his car. The car started, he put it in gear and he headed for the county line continuing his journey for just a little peace, a peace that he has yet to find. The End. 


End file.
